Last Friday I went to a gig, twas good and met some cool people, and as always my recurring case of foot in mouth disease was flared up by being social, my friend Richie had to cancel on me, which was fine, guys always love to cancel on me, it's the hip thing to do apparently.

Last Saturday, 'Evil' callled me at work for a chat, which led to him inviting me over to crash the night at his new place as I live in Seven Hills which is a zillion miles from the city (where I work) and as trains late at night suck, I agreed, so after work I rock up and we are talking and ok I can't be bothered but here is a conversation from icq I had with my friend 'Richie' which will give you the gist of the story.

Him (8:53 PM) :

i'm ok

how are you?

Me (8:54 PM) :

i'm buggered, and ps why am i the one with the fucked up life

Him (8:54 PM) :

what's up?

Me (8:57 PM) :

hmm well 'Evil' called me at work just to chat, anf everything was fine and then

i tell him i'll be sleeping at work so he goes"crash at my place" which i agree

too because nothing is going on, well then i get there and have a beer (only

one) and because i am shit of mood conversation makes me all aww matt is so

sweet

then the bastard goes "you have no idea how much i love you"

Him (8:58 PM) :

yes...

Me (8:58 PM) :

and more stuff like I "made him fall in love with me" and stuff and if i

responded in like he would say no i'm not and if i refused his advances he

would go i know you love me

Me (8:58 PM) :

yeah and also because i had that ONE beer i got very sick and was throwing up

all night

Him (8:59 PM) :

so what happened with him? sorry i don't quite understand the second message

Me (9:00 PM) :

which is the worst part because i have never thrown up infront of any male

except for deryn dad and this other guy... who shall remain nameless... because

i can't remember his name

Him (9:00 PM) :

lol

Me (9:00 PM) :

but he was very sweet and got me water and still kissed me

Me (9:01 PM) :

anyway he is uber depressed about living on his own i am uber depressed about

life in general and i think i romanticised it beyond belief

Him (9:01 PM) :

tell me again waht happened after he said he loves you?

Me (9:02 PM) :

i would go i love you too, and then he would go no you don't

Me (9:03 PM) :

and if i said no i don't love you to him, he would go but i know you love me

Him (9:03 PM) :

is that what actually happened or what you know would happen?

Me (9:04 PM) :

no thats exactly what happened he told me he loved me at least ten times that

night

Him (9:05 PM) :

no offence but what a jerk? you can't tell someone you love them and then throw

it back in their face when they say they love you back that's just fucked

Me (9:06 PM) :

i know but both he and i are fucked up people

look at me i'm rationalising his behaviour god i need help

Him (9:07 PM) :

if a girl did that to me i'd tell them to get lost...

Me (9:08 PM) :

but then last night he called to talk, and he told me that he

had given his number to a girl at his bottle-o hoping for a root (I have to say something here I am one of these people that encourages 'Evil' and other guys to sow his wild oats, and yeah that is probably why he's telling me this because i tend to condone sexual deviancy) and he said he wasn't ready for dating

Me (9:08 PM) :

i'm a masochist i likes to suffer

Him (9:09 PM) :

yeah. just from what you've told me and my point of view based on that, it

sounds like he's playing you

Me (9:09 PM) :

yeah probably

Him (9:09 PM) :

and it's really, really selfish to tell someone you love them and then deny it

back...

Me (9:10 PM) :

something is telling me though to ride it out and get hurt for the experience

Me (9:10 PM) :

i know but i am actually quite cold to him and very sarcastic

Him (9:11 PM) :

well you've gotta listen to your heart

but as your friend i worry about you and how apallingly he treats you

Me (9:12 PM) :

honey so do I but something says stick to it! that i will benefit in the longrun

i don't know what but i truly do care about him

Me (9:13 PM) :

i'm just going to have to be scientific and keep a professional distance when

observing 'Evil'

Him (9:13 PM) :

like i said... you've got to listen to your heart because that's the only way

you'll know what you should be doing

Me (9:13 PM) :

my heart is made of stone and pumps tar, but you are right

So yeah, I know 'Evil' has been saying that he loves me for ages now, and yes I am probably in love with him but, I can't do this, I shouldn't do this, I'm a bloody idiot I am.

Please somebody anybody, tell me what to do that will require the least mental and physical effort on my part, sign my guestbook anything please, I need help.

P.S Cat, babe good luck with the surgery, my wishes are with you hun.