It wasn’t supposed to be like this but it all ended up pouring out, stupid brain.

So what has been happening in the world of Kimberly?

Honestly nothing much, ok a lot, ok something in between not much and a lot.

Last Saturday I came to Sydney for my usual 'work till my arms hang from their sockets by tiny worn strands of flesh' party. And for the first time in months I got to catch up with my dear friend Richie, it wasn’t for long and he was itching to get to his girlfriend though he wouldn’t admit it and said he was going to study (tip for would be people who want to conceal facts from me I am actually very observant and conceal this talent of mine under a veneer of ignorance and complete self absorption, and you guys thought I was just naturally stupid and selfish) but it was good to see someone friendly again I am so lacking in good society at the moment.

After seeing Richie I proceeded to work hard for the money, I need more reliable and legitimate income I have only in my years have had two legitimate taxable jobs and both lasted for under two weeks, but money is money and I need loads of it in a very short period of time, stupid fucking responsibility I wonder if Supermarkets would ever consider taking up a bartering system, I could knit them beanies and scarves for those people that have to walk into the giant fridge and they could give me groceries.

Anyway back to current non-rambling topics, I was under the impression that a certain English ‘Evil’ was avoiding me so I was quite happy, but then on Monday evening as I was about to turn in he sent me a text message “Hey Beautiful how are you?” I responded “Alive and you?” anyway to make a long story short it lead to me revealing I had a DVD copy of ‘Bad Santa’ and him inviting me over for a catch up. I was very good I told him I was here as a friend and that he should fuck off if he thinks other wise, so we are watching movies and we are talking, he is laying on thick the compliments and I am being a very cynical and sarcastic version of me, then ‘Evil’ asks me “why do you fight everything I say?” I tell him that I’m not fighting him, I just voice my opinions of him without censor, that if he can’t handle it maybe he shouldn’t talk to me. He seems to think that I am highly critical of him, I am many things but I have never criticized someone for being themselves, I know if I see a flaw in someone I will point it out without hesitation but I don’t think I have berated or belittled someone just for the sake of it.

Where was I? Yes was at ‘Evil’s’ and we were talking and watching and says “ I really want to kiss you” so I let him kiss me, on the cheek of course and as expected he wants more so he kisses me again going for the mouth and I sit there like a cold dead fish, mouth open, no movement, and he attacks my mouth with unbridled enthusiasm while he is dining on my mouth I start humming elevator music, which ‘Evil’ finds disconcerting and he stops, which was a shame because even when I am not an active participant he is still a very good kisser… but yes despite my best attempts at being strong and refusing his advances he still persisted with the kissing and yes I succumbed, I know it’s obvious what would eventually happen, but damn I have been good this last few months, there’s no reason I should be justifying fucking him except that I was weak and He took advantage of it, and deep down inside I don’t want to be alone… that’s the great thing about sex for the brief period of time it lasts the rest of the world ceases to exist, I need to find something less destructive that can give me that same feeling.

He leaves at the end of the year, maybe I should let him just screw me over for the rest of the year until he leaves and then I can start afresh.

He told me “I love you”, I told him he is the type of person who says “I love you” just so he can hear it back, he replied “You are probably right” He told me while he was inside me “I Love you, but I’m leaving, so nothing can happen can it?” I replied “you had your chance, no you had your ”chances you made your choice” then I told him “really it’s your loss” and he said “yes, yes it is” It’s amazing how eloquent I can be when I’m having sex.

This entry is in a lot of detail, sorry about that.

The Morning After

We wake up, I decide not to tell ‘Evil’ that he was talking, no yelling in his sleep, I ask him if he wants “another go at it” of course he does so we fuck again, Considering all the “I love you’s” passed between him and I you think that I would be calling our sexual encounters ‘making love’ but we have never made love, we have just fucked and I think calling it ‘making love’ would just make the absurdity of this situation even worse. I get up and say I have to be at work much earlier than I should, I only have to return keys I don’t need to rush but I do, I go to the bathroom and wash myself, I return to the bedroom and dress, he is watching me with some sleepy grin on his face he always stares at me for too long and I always ask him why and he’ll just say “you’re gorgeous” I’m dressed, putting on my deodorant, applying my perfume, taking my morning pills he says “I love watching your morning ritual” I laugh it off, but I think I love performing my morning ritual in front of someone.

I really am over analyzing it all aren’t I?

I’m ready to go I kiss him goodbye, I tell him to enjoy his trip in Brisbane and if he feels like it to call me when he gets back I know and I think he knows that he will forget. The goodbye kiss is half-assed, pathetic really and I leave him to go back to sleep, I say goodbye and do this goofy smiley wave thing as I shut his door, I walk through his living room and the last thing I see is a photo of his girlfriend on his notice board and a to-do list with stock standard chores and then third on the list “love Kim” (see his current girlfriend shares my name, and I forgot all about her, a tsunami of guilt crashes on top of me and it feels lovely, but as you have probably gathered I am obviously a masochist.

Too much information revealed, but it has been cathartic.

Oh yeah yesterday after all that happened I caught my train home and with my brother and his friends we went and saw “Team America: World Police” and I enjoyed it, distractions are good, very good.